Sources of information and
knowledge in Islam are full of guidance on all fields of endeavour of man. And
the art and science of Child Upbringing is not left out. ‘Precept upon precept’
is the way on how to rear, make grown and develop the children in Islam.
We all know that it will always
be the joy of parents to have good and well behaved children. To be rewarded with
such happiness, however, one needs to follow the rules, especially those of us
who are still single and those who wants to go for second or third or fourth
wife. Allah says:
ولا تنكحوا المشركات حتى يؤمنّ ولامة مؤمنة خير
من مشركة ولو اعجبتكم ولا تنكحوا المشركين حتى يؤمنوا ولعبد مؤمن خير من مشرك ولو اعجبكم
اولئك يدعون الى النار والله يدعوا الى الجنة والمغفرة باذنه ويبين اياته للناس
لعلهم يتذكرون
And marry not idolatrous women until they
believe; even a believing bond-woman is better than an idolatress, although she
may highly please you. And give not believing women in marriage to idolaters
until they believe; even a believing slave is better than an idolater, although
he may highly please you. These call to the Fire, but Allah calls to Heaven and
to forgiveness by His command. And He makes His Signs clear to the people that
they may remember. Q2:222
At another place Allah says:
وَلاَ تُمْسِكُوْا بِعِصَمِ الْكَوَافِرِ
…And
hold not to your matrimonial ties with the disbelieving women… Q60:11
And yet in another place Allah
says:
الخبيثات للخبيثين والخبيثون للخبيثات والطّيّبات
للطيبين والطيبون للطيبات
Bad
women are for bad men; and bad men are for bad women. Good women are for good
men and good men are good women… Q24:27
And
giving us explanation on this initial step of going into marital contract, the Prophet
of Islam (saw) says:
تنكح المرأة لاربع لمالها ولحسبها ولجمالها ولدينها فاظفر بذات الدين تربت
يداك- بخاري
In
marrying a woman, a man’s choice of a spouse is determined by the consideration
of her wealth, her family and her physical beauty and her religious piety, but
you should make thy life happy, prosperous and successful, by choosing a
spouse, on account of her religious piety, otherwise thy hands will ever remain
in dust.”
The
stories of people of yore as narrated in the Holy Quran by Allah are full of
glittering examples for us all. Effects of pious parents on children are
before us all to behold, envy and struggle for. Hadhrat Abraham and his wives were upright;
and Allah bestowed on them pious children. The pious family of Imran had pious
daughter, Maryam the mother of Jesus.
Despite
the piety of Hadhrat Nuh, and indeed, a Prophet of Allah, due to the
waywardness of his wife, he lost his son to disbelief and destruction. And on
the other hand, we read about a royal family that had access to every worldly convenience,
yet the head of the family- Pharaoh- under whose roof Hadrat Moses was nursed
and brought up, was an ardent disbeliever while his wife was a pious lady. The
wife had positive impact on little Moses who later became a Prophet of Allah.
The narratives are there for us all to read and learn from.
We
should not forget that union of a man and a woman is to establish family
through procreation. The definition of Marriage (Nikah) according to some
Doctors of Islamic Jurisprudence sheds light on this.
اَلزّواَجُ اَوِ النِّكَاحُ كَمَا يُسَمّى فِي
الشّرْعِ عَقْدٌ مَدَنِي لَفْظِيٌّ اَوْ خَطِيٌّ
بَيْنَ رَجُلٍ وَامْرَاَةٍ بَالِغَيْنِ
رَاشِدَيْنِ
يَحْفِظَانِ بِهِ عَفَافَهُمَا وَصَلاَحَهُمَا ثُمَّ تُنْشَأُ مِنْهُ الْاُسْرَةُ
Marriage in Islamic Law is a civilized contract, verbal or written, between a matured and upright man and woman, to protect their virtue and righteousness and family is raised through it.
Hence,
both man and woman should walk in the pious way of choosing good spouse with
whom a pious family will be established. And those who have already established
their own homes should take to principles of how to have pious family. The
following verses shed more light on this subject:
فَلَيْسَ النَّبْتُ يَنْبُتُ فِيْ جِنَانِ
كَمِثْلِ النَّبْتِ يَنْبُتُ فِيْ فَلَاةٍ
وَهَلْ يُرْجى لِأَطْفَالِ كَمَالٌ
إِذَا ارْتَضَعُوْا ثُدِيُّ النَّاقِصَاتِ
The
plant that grows in an orchard;
Is not like the plant that grows in the desert.
Can perfection be hoped for children.
When they have sucked the milk of imperfect women?
Hence the following
warning:
تَخَيَّرُوْا لِنُطَفِكُمْ فَإِنَّ الْعِرْقَ دَسَّاسٌ
Choose
where you’ll plant your semen. Surely,
the human blood stream reproduces itself.
For
Allah says
والبلد الطيب يخرج نباته باذن ربه والذي خبث لا يخرج الاّ نكدا كذالك نصرف
الايات لقوم يشكرون
And
as for the good land, its vegetation comes forth plentifully by the command of
its Lord; and that which is bad, its vegetation does not come forth but
scantily. (i.e the fruit will be scanty in both form and nutrient) In like
manner do We vary the Signs for a people who are grateful. Q7:59
After
having established the union; Islam guides that prayers should be offered at
the time of consummating the marriage or at the time of going into the wife by
the husband. The Prophet of Islam asserts:
لَوْ اَنَّ اَحَدُكُمْ اِذَا اَرَادَ اَنْ يَأْتِيْ أَهْلَهُ قَالَ:
بِسْمِ اللَّهِ اَللّهُمَّ جَنِّبْنَا الشَّيْطَانَ
وَجَنِّبِ الشَّيْطَانَ مَا
رَزَقْتَنَا فَاِنْ يُقَدِّرْ بَيْنَهُمَا وَلَدٌ فِيْ ذَالِكَ لَمْ يَضُرَّهُ
الشَّيْطَانُ اَبَدًا – متّفق عليه
If
anyone who intends to go into his wife says, ‘In the Name of Allah. O Allah,
keep us away from the devil and keep the devil away from what You have provided
for us’, should it be ordained that a child be born to them thereby, no devil
will ever harm it.
Should
a child be decreed as said by the Holy Prophet; the responsibility of the
mother increases. For her behaviour in every sense shall continue to have impact
on the physical, moral and spiritual formation of the child right from the day
of its being established in her womb. The prayer of Mother of Maryam the Mother
Jesus briefly but comprehensively explains the greater responsibility of all
pregnant believing women.
The
Glorious Quran says:
اذ قالت امرات عمران رب اني نذرت لك ما في بطني محررا فتقبل مني انك انت
السميع العليم
Remember
when the Woman of Imran said, ‘My Lord, I have vowed to Thee what is in my womb
to be dedicated to Thy service. So do accept it of me. Verily, Thou alone art
All-Hearing, All-Knowing. Q3:36
Either
the unborn child will become a life devotee in the way of Allah or not, we
should know that we have come to this world to serve our Creator. Therefore,
there is need for this prayer to be on the tongue of every pregnant mother. We
have read how the prayer was accepted by Allah the Merciful. He gave Lady of
Imran Maryam and a grandson who rose to become a Prophet of Allah.
At
this juncture, it is important to add that, at the critical stage of
motherhood, when the wife is heavy, the husband should also not be found
wanting. He must be supporting his wife physically, emotionally, morally and
spiritually. The husband should remember his natural position in the formation
and buildup of home. Allah says:
الرجال قوامون على النساء بما فضل الله بعضهم على بعض وبما انفقوا من
اموالهم
Men
are guardians over women because Allah has made some of them excel others, and
because they (men) spend of their wealth. Q4:35
A
little journey into Arabic dictionary should explain the implication of using
the word – قوام (Qawwaam)
in this verse of the Holy Quran. Almawrid Arabic to English Dictionary gives
the following meanings to it: Caretaker, custodian, guardian, curator, keeper,
supervisor, superintendent, support, infrastructure and backbone, among
others.
I
believe these meanings should suffice in impressing on the mind of every
husband, his responsibility at the time of carrying around of his baby by his
wife and at all time in their matrimonial life.
When
the mother is delivered of the baby, efforts of making him/her a good child
that will be pride of family and humanity continue.
The
second Head of Ahmadiyya Muslim Community, in his book, Way of the Seekers,
highlights some twenty-six theories and principles of training a child to be
morally sound, intellectually better than his/her peers and spiritually
excellent. He names the theories Moral Training of the Child
1.
As soon as a child is born, the first step towards its education is to proclaim
Azaan into its ears.
2.
A child should be kept neat and tidy, because unclean child will not have a
clean mind.
3.
A child should be fed at fixed hours. This will breed the habit of self-control
and save it from a number of evils.
4.
A child should be helped to form the habit of relieving nature at regular
hours. This is very helpful for its health. But a greater benefit is that its
limbs come to acquire a sense of punctuality.
5.
Food should be served according to a prescribed measure. This will teach the
child contentment and discourage gluttony.
6.
A child should be given a variety of foods. It should have meat, vegetables and
fruit, for dietary habits affect morals and a variety of food is necessary for
a variety of morals.
7.
As the child grows, it should be asked to do small tasks under the guise of
play-acting. It should be asked to fetch a utensil, to replace or carry an
object and do sundry other small tasks. But it should also have the time to
play on its own.
8.
A child should be allowed to acquire self-confidence as a matter of habit. For
instance, if it wants to have an object which it has just seen, it should be
told that it would get it at a certain time. Hiding the object is no solution,
for it will imitate and try to hide things which will breed the habit of stealing.
9.
A child should not be over-indulged. Too much petting or caressing leads to
many vices. When such a child sits in society, it will expect to be fondled.
This results in a number of moral evils.
10
Parents should be capable of self-sacrifice. Foods which are prohibited for an
ailing child should neither be brought into the house nor should they be eaten
by the parents. The child should be told that they are abstaining on his account.
The child will thus learn the habit of self-sacrifice.
11.
Extreme vigilance is required when a child is suffering from a chronic illness.
Vices like cowardice, selfishness, peevishness, lack of emotional control,
etc., are the result of illness. Even grown-ups become irritable during
illness. Some ask others to sit with them. Others shout at passersby and say:
Can you not see? Are you blind? In illness, the patient is allowed complete
rest and full comfort which he slowly comes to regard as a right and wants to
rest all the time.
12.
Children should not be told tales of horror. This would make them cowards. When
they grow up, they would do nothing brave. If a child exhibits a tendency
towards cowardice, it should be told stories of courage and made to play with
children who are brave.
13
A child should not be allowed to choose his own friends. This choice should be
made by the parents. They should choose well behaved children as associates for
their children. The parents too will benefit from this arrangement. They will
come to know the parents of other children whom they have chosen as associates
for their child. It will lead to a kind of inter-parent cooperation. Also when
they choose playmates for their child, they will watch over their behavior.
14
A child should be assigned responsible jobs suited to its age. This will help
create a sense of responsibility in the child.
15
Tell the child that it is nice and good. The Holy Prophet (on him be peace)
said: Do not curse a child for when you curse, angels add: Let it be like that;
and like that he becomes. Incidentally, this also means that angels are
responsible for the consequences of actions. When you tell a child it is bad, it
draws an imaginary picture in which it figures itself out as bad and does in
fact become bad. Therefore, do not abuse a child. Praise it and teach it to be
good.
16
A child should not be allowed to become obstinate. If it persists in being
stubborn, its attention should be diverted to something else. Later, the cause
of its obstinate behaviour should be traced and removed.
17
Address a child politely and courteously, for a child is a great mimic. If you
address it rudely, it will return the compliment in kind.
Renford
Bambrough (1963:414) writes on imitating nature of man:
Imitating is natural to human being
from childhood onwards; man differs from other animals in being extremely
imitative; his first steps in learning are made through imitation, and all
people get pleasure from imitations.
Josiah
Warren (1961:724) also writes:
Children are principally the
creatures of example- Whatever the surrounding adults do, they will do…
18.
Do not lie to a child nor be peevish or arrogant with it. It will certainly
imitate you. It is the parents who teach a child lying.
19.
Safeguard the child against all intoxicants. Intoxicants damage the nerves of
the child. Consequently it becomes a liar. An addict becomes a blind imitator
also and ceases to have a will of his own.
20.
Stop children from playing in privacy.
21.
Do not let them remain naked.
22.
Teach them to admit their mistakes, as a matter of habit. For this the
following methods would be found helpful:
a.
Do not try to hide your own mistakes before a child.
b.
Be sympathetic when it commits a mistake. Let it feel that the mistake is a
kind of loss it has suffered. Hence, so much sympathy. Also let it feel that a
particular mistake has resulted in a certain loss.
c.
To guard against the repetition of a mistake, talk to the child in a manner
that brings home to it the trouble its mistake has caused the parents. They
could, for instance, pay for the loss its mistake is has caused. This will make
it realize that the result of damaging things is not good. The doctrine of
atonement is not valid but the method is useful for the training of a child.
d.
If you want to reprimand a child, do not do it before others; do it in privacy.
Even
though many of us make this mistake, but we should try as much as possible to
correct our ways of handling this.
23.
A child should be given a little money. This will teach it three virtues:
a.
Charitableness.
b.
Frugality.
c.
Helping relatives.
For
instance, if it has three coins, let it purchase some eatable with one coin and
share it with other children. With the second coin, let it buy a toy and the
third it should be asked to give in charity.
24.
Children should also be given common ownership of some property. For instance,
they should be given a toy and they should be told that it belongs to all of
them that all should play with it and that no one should try to damage it. This
would teach them to safeguard common property.
25.
A child should be given constant guidance in matters of etiquette.
26.
Due heed should be paid to physical exercise and stamina of a child. This would
be helpful towards its moral education and progress in the world.
Readers, both the wife and the husband should always sacrifice to live in
harmony either in the presence of the child or in his absence. In his presence,
they should avoid quarreling. And above all, they should endeavour not to
venture into divorce because divorce, as permissible as it is, it damages, it
maims, it destroys, and leaves everlasting negative imprint on the life of the
child. Only the Mercy of Allah can safe either of the two parties and or their
children when home breaks.
A
Muslim Television Ahmadiyya program- Faith Matters, No. 107, as retrieved from www.youtube/alislam/mtaonline1, has the following to tell us on
the need for harmony between husband and wife:
A peaceful existence at home leads
to peaceful society…and children will be brought up in the best
atmosphere…
And
last but not the least; we should not forget to pray all the time for our
children.
Commenting
on Surah Al-Fatiha in Al-Hakam, Aug. 31, 1901, The Promised Messiahas,
says:
Hold fast, therefore, to God above
every good and every gain. Nothing can avail save Him alone. Were it not for
His pleasure, children could turn against their parents…
May
Allah enable us all to hearken and obey the Divine Voice of Reasons and Wisdom.
ربنا هب لنا من ازواجنا وذرياتنا قرة اعين واجعلنا للمتقين اماما
رب اوزعني ان اشكر نعمتك التي انعمت عليّ وعلى والدي وان اعمل صالحا ترضاه
واصلح لي في ذريتي اني تبت اليك واني من المسلمين
Thank you for your
attention.
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